Vulnerability
This is a very vulnerable and uncomfortable blog to write. Being truly transparent and letting others in is hard for me especially when I am hurting or struggling. I think this season has been a time for me to reflect on myself and get better prepared to be able to live in community again because I have and still am truly in awe of what the lord has done in a matter of just a little while.
Spiritual attack
To start off, I started to get really down and emotional out of nowhere and didn’t really know where it was coming from. Then that was paired with some very intense social anxiety (mainly at church and spiritual gatherings) that I had never experienced before. So not only was I struggling emotionally and with the feelings of being alone then you add a new set of things to deal with that is completely new to me. To say the least I was feeling really defeated and didn’t know what to do. I later came to realize that I needed to improve my relationship with the father, truly focus on the important things, and fight this spiritual attack I was under. Starting this process was not easy and still isn’t but as long as I keep myself accountable and continue to pursue the lord I will be fine because I have his strength.
Elimination
The first thing that I needed to do was acknowledge that this wasn’t from the lord and that I was fighting spiritual warfare. That was hard to realize and took time to figure out what I needed to do. I proceeded by reaching out to friends and making it a habit to reach out to them so that I knew I was not alone and that I have community even when it’s hard to see/realize. Then I took the time to delete distractions from my life. This one was a hard one and definitely isn’t completely sound or perfect but definitely better than it was. This process took a long time. I completely revamped my phone so that it was better suited for what I wanted. I deleted all entertainment apps/streaming services off my phone (Disney+, Hulu, Prime Video, Paramount+, Youtube, etc.). Then I took all apps except the essentails off my homescreen. So I removed things like my food apps, deleted games from my phone, took off things like document apps, etc. and kept things like my bank apps, the bible app, communication apps, music, etc. This has really helped me to have to consciously think about what I am doing and why I am going on the app that I am. The next thing that I did was revamp my time limits on apps that I knew would be a temptation or cause distractions more than I wanted. One of the big ones was snapchat as that is the only social app I have on my phone and I always seem to go on it and scroll through the spotlights for hours on end so I limited myself to 30mins a day which to be honest is a lot considering I have been mostly good about only going on it once in the morning and once at night. The other thing I have done is facebook and instagram are on my tablet and I try to only go on them once a day. Sometimes it ends up being more but I give myself grace because we all need a relaxing chill day sometimes.
Discipline
The next thing I did was increase my discipline in the things that help me to connect with the lord. I started to go back to the young adults group at my church which I had started to make every excuse I could to allow myself to opt out of it. The first time I went back was so good and I loved connecting with people that I had lost connection with. I increased my reading of the bible. I was lucky if I was getting in the word one time a week and it’s not because I don’t have time I just was using things as excuses or distracting myself with other things. I already took out most of the distractions so now that wasn’t an option and just made it a priority. Now I am reading a chapter a day in my bible as often as possible because life and things happen sometimes. Now I am almost through Exodus and excited to start Leviticus when I am done. Another thing I do to remind myself of the lord’s glory and to bring him into my day is to remember to pray over simple things and to enjoy the little things. This has really helped me to truly understand and glory over the Lord’s creation more than before. Another thing that I actively do to bring myself back to the lord and grow in discipline in this season is only listen to worship/christian music. I know that this isn’t something that all people will relate to or will have to do and I honestly don’t mind it but it helps me to center my day on the Lord and all of the things in this world that belong to Him.
Summary
All of these things have helped me to truly reconnect with the lord and myself. It definitely isn’t over, I am human and sin just like anyone else and definitely will slip away from my discipline and desire to pursue the lord but for now it has gotten much better. Looking back and reflecting on these last couple days/ weekish I can definitely say I feel way different and it is improving. I still feel anxiety and I still struggle but it definitely is a smaller struggle and isn’t fully taking over my life and my decision making. It’s crazy what the lord can do in the matter of a small season in our lives. I went from being crippled by anxiety and heavy emotions to being alive in the lord and fully committed to disciplining myself in that relationship until it is strong again. Here is to learning and growing through the seasons.
Fun Moments Lately
- I took Rylie (my nephew) to the local museum and he had fun getting to look at tractors, an old church, an old school house, a train car, and much more
- I volunteered at Kids Camp twice… first for 1st-6th grade and then for the preschool and special needs group.
- I was a volunteer with the special needs group and that was a lot of fun
and it helped me to see the way that children see the world so differently and have such a joyous outlook on the world.
- I was a volunteer with the special needs group and that was a lot of fun
- Practice packed and got all my stuff to fit into two backpacks.
- That was an adventure in itself but I made it work and surprisingly my bag only weighed a little more than 29lbs at the end of it. Which is good cause it has to be 40lbs or less.
Prayers:
- I would love prayers to continue to grow and to learn what the lord has for me as the race is fast approaching and I’m not sure what this month leading up to the race is supposed to be like.
- I would love prayers for financial partnership and for the lord to highlight people to talk to about my trip coming up.
- Would also love guidance from the lord on what my plans should look like before the race
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Thinking about going to a c;ass called perspective at AIM before training camp. There is a week in between the class and camp so if I go I need to figure out where to stay or what to do for that. I need the lord’s hand in this and his guidance on what I should do.
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- Lastly, it would be great for prayers for rest and peace for all people struggling.
Financially:
- I am 8% funded which puts me at $1,758
- Total I need $19,700
- My next deadline is 9/15/2023 and I need to be at $9,850 which is 50% of my deadline.
- I would love to hit this deadline or even go over it especially being that I missed my first one. I believe the lord will make this happen and that he will highlight people to provide these funds for his glory.
- I would love to hit this deadline or even go over it especially being that I missed my first one. I believe the lord will make this happen and that he will highlight people to provide these funds for his glory.
I am doing a fundraiser through Threads of Hope which is an organization that partners with people to do fundraisers through the selling of bracelets. I get 50% of the profit and then the other 50% goes back to the families in the philippines that make the bracelets to help them out of poverty and to provide for their family
